I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
i've created a new STD.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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