I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
