I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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