Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
