Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
he just fucked me for my cheese..
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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