a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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