He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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