Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
