Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
