I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
