so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
