no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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