walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
