i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
