Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Soap is not a condiment
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
