Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
