I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
