No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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