dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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