I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
