how can u be prego again
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
