My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
