Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
