did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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