Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
