Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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