i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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