he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
