My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
