Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It's official drugs can't kill me
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
