I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
