For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
