I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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