$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
