You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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