We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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