I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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