I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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