eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
