running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
