It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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