he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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