Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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