Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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