You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
