cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
