In the future we'll all be gay
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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