Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
