I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
