My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
