Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
